Terms and Conditions

Bolan Jahnsen Dacey Esqs.The following terms and conditions shall apply to all transactions entered into between our respective companies. The very fact that you have ever agreed to fly, or rented a car a hotel room, or approved a line of credit in the form of a credit card to my company or any agent servant or employee thereof, shall indicate that you have read, understood and accepted these terms and conditions and probably wish you had thought of them yourself.

There shall be a base $500 charge for reading your “Terms and Conditions” In the event your “Terms and Conditions” exceeds three words, there shall be a $1.00 surcharge for each word I read thereafter.

In the event there is a conflict between your “Terms and Conditions” and our “Terms and Conditions”, our “Terms and Conditions” shall apply.

In the event your “Terms and Conditions” were written before our “Terms and Conditions”, our “Terms and Conditions” shall supersede yours.

In the event that your “Terms and Conditions” were written after our  “Terms and Conditions”, ours shall be considered “grandfathered” and not impacted by your “Terms and Conditions.”

There shall be a $500 fee assessed for answering any questions you may have concerning our “Terms and Conditions.

Credit card “Terms and Conditions”:

There shall be an “early charge” of $35.00 for any payment of more than the minimum monthly payment as indicated on your invoice.

An interest rate of 28% shall apply to all principal amounts received in addition to the minimum monthly payment.

There shall be an Application fee of $250.00 for applying for your card.

There shall be an autograph fee of $50.00 for signing the back of your card.

There shall be a minimum fee of $50 in the event I am required to contact you by phone and $5 per minute charged for each minute I am on waiting for a representative.

My Hispanic friends are entitled to $50 fee whenever they “oprima número dos” and I shall be entitled to a negotiation fee of $15 every time one of my Hispanic friends oprimas same.

There shall be an acceleration fee of $35 for postmarking any payment seven days in advance to insure timely delivery.

If you are providing me your own “self addressed envelope” said payment shall be deemed received by you the second it is stuffed in your envelope.

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Airline “Terms and Conditions”:

There shall be a “Delivery Charge” of $50 dollars for the first bag, $75 for every bag thereafter, and $100 for any golf bag payable immediately at the check in desk.

There shall be a $50 nonrefundable retrieval fee for each checked item of luggage.

There shall be a $10 “power down” fee for every “approved portable electronic devise” I am required to shut off when the cabin door closes.

I shall be entitled to a $2500 Educational fee for being the first one to point out what kind of electronic device I could possibly bring on a plane which is not “portable” to begin with.

There will be $200 Change Order Fee for each time I am charged a change fee for an earlier flight.

There is a $50 “you gotta be kidding me fee”, for each time I must that you have a better chance of selling a ticket on the later flight then selling one the plane about to depart.

There is a corresponding WTF charge of $75 when you explain that there are plenty of open seats on the next flight and a $75 Employment Counseling Fee for explaining to you to get a real job.

There shall be a $250 nonrefundable non transferable “You’re Pissing Me Off” fee and a $75 “Calm Down Sir” Charge.

There shall be a non refundable $750 processing fee every time you utilize my credit card to charge me a change fee.

There shall be a $100 Safety Consultant fee for assuming the obligations associated with sitting in an exit row and a $5 per passenger discharge fee due upon leaving the cabin – said fees are waived in the event there is no upgrade charge for sitting in an exit seat.

$5 will be charged for returning all service items.

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Hotel “Terms and Conditions”:

There shall be a $300 “I am sorry sir, we are completely booked, and the last room we have is at the Executive level rate” charge.

There shall be a Late Cancellation charge for the difference between what I was to pay and what the poor fool will pay when he checks in at the last minute rate.

There will be a $25 orientation fee assessed for having to figure out how to work your alarm clock.

There will be a $50 delivery charge for my vehicle to offset any overnight parking charge, in addition thereto there shall be a $450 WTF charge in the event that I must park at the rear of the full parking lot when the first 200 spaces are blocked off and allocated to Valet Parking.

There shall be a $17 uncorking fee for every $7 bottle of Evian I mistakenly open in the middle of the night.

If I select the fuel option and return the car full, I am entitled to the tank capacity at $9 per gallon.

Our rental return fee shall be the greater of either your vehicle recovery fee or $75.

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